This is also the shittiest photo ever taken of Hoi An. I don't know why I don't have any good town photos. Better luck next time...
This is the place to get that cheap n' fabulous iridescent green silk suit you've been dreaming about, tailored just for you for a mere $60. We were raided by a pair of hyper and hilarious girls hawking their store. They knew how to work us with their charm from beginning to end. Stevhan got a gray silk suit, which he wore to a wedding later and looked smoking hot. I got me a cream-colored winter coat to wear to the opera and all those charity balls I attend. Fits me like a dream.
And yes, we stayed at another fabulous hotel, with a jacuzzi! and a balcony (where I smoked my artsy cigarettes).
All the hotel staff in this town wear ao dai, the national (and sexy!) dress for the ladies. Even the nursing students had all white dresses as unforms. I saw many beautiful Vietnamese women in ao dai and many hulking foreign women in chintzy knock-offs. Yeesh!
We went out that evening to preview the beach and explore the town. Stev took a quick dip in the ocean
and we met some hilarious vendor ladies
("No money, no honey." "You open your heart when you open your wallet").
It seems a lot of locals drag out the plastic tables and sup beachside. Excellent idea.
We headed back into town. The architecture, the paper lanterns reflected in the river, and the ladies selling Viet-snacks by gaslight all contributed to the romantic atmosphere.
We went to one of the riverside restaurants to take in the evening. The place was picturesque, with their outdoor balcony and colored lanterns. The ladies serving us, however, were straight out whatever shitty diner you have in your hometown. The one that's got the waitresses smoking behind the counter and giving you the stink-eye. Later, when I got beer spilled on my dress, they just sorta sat back and smiled......and then got a rag.
Feeling crabby out having a sticky beer lap, I sulked as we walked the cobblestones. I was about to whine to Stev when I noticed a sexy Filipino-American out of the corner of my eye.
It was Paulette! From Miyakejima! (island next door to mine) Holy cow, what are the odds?! Well, pretty big considering we knew we were gonna be in Vietnam at the same time. So, cool! We joined her and her man Minh (for you readers keeping up, he's the economic reporter boyfriend who crashed the Tokyo JETs conference) and had ourselves some drinks.
Later, we were on the street of our hotels (they were only yards away! What are the odds?! Well, pretty big consider-), when we heard a thumping bass. Turns out there's a handy disco nearby. Paulette and I got a crazed glint in our eyes and the mens barely had time to send a prayer to heaven before we dragged them to the pleasure den.
Oh man! The place was decorated in the Italian-villa-by-way-of-the-ninety-nine-cents-store motif. The music was loud and terrible, the drinks over-priced, and the dance floor had a few stragglers. This was the perfect opportunity to take over the place and make it ours for the evening.
You can ˆfeelˆStev's weariness....
I also didn't know fingers could bend like that.
We waited for the perfect tune. Then, figuring we'd be waiting forever with this dj, we waited for a less obnoxious song. Then we downed the shots Minh had so thoughtfully provided us with and sprang into action. We had moooooves that nobody had ever seen before. At least, that's what we were thinking as we snaked across the floor. We were joined by two wasted dudes who were trying out fancier shit than us. And pulling it off, thanks to the bottle of Jack Daniels at their table.
We took a short break and then, because I hate to see a drunkard dancing alone, I joined him on the floor. The world melted away as we spun, boogied, twirled. There is video of this dance floor magic, but I curse myself for not knowing how to upload a video. But I did manage to snag the stills.
Fucking magical. Just know that Travolta and Karen Lynn Gorney ain't got nothing on us.
And how do you top off a evening like that? Skinny-dipping in the hotel pool! For two minutes! (It was cold...)
The next day we rented a motorbike and I prayed for my life. We had plans to spend the rest of the day at the beach. But first we stopped in at the Hoi An orphanage.
After meeting the orphanage director, she left us to wander around the place. It was an airy compound, with brightly painted walls and a large courtyard. We sat in on a lesson. The teachers didn't pay too much attention, but the kids regarded us with curiosity and then perked up when we busted out some stickers. There was a mix of disabled and able bodied children ranging from two to eighteen.
And here's where I get slammed with a jumble of feelings. We've got these smiling kids running around with stickers on their noses. One boy, Tuan is eleven years old, has cerebral palsy, and is the smartest kid ever. He was chatting me up in English and laughing at me and Stev goofing off. These guys were so charming, so guileless, I had to step outside and collect myself before I burst into tears. Even now, my heart wrenches. "Yeah, duh. You're in a roomful of orphans." I know, but it's coming face to face with cruel realities and seeing people still retain their sense of grace. It's given me direct contact with things that are only seen at a safe distance by most people. I don't know how to describe it. Fuck, I'm an actor, not a writer. I'll emote all this later.
And then I wondered if I was gonna go all Angelina and start adopting babies. Well, no. I'm a deadbeat artist and they only hand out kids to the famous ones. And it's not about saving one. It's about making it better for everyone else. So I've added two organizations to my links list. The Kianh Foundation helps the Hoi An orphanage directly. We met one of the founders, Jackie, who told us about the condition of the place before they swooped in and whipped the place into shape and the personal histories of a few kids around us. They like visitors. Just don't bring candy, they're getting dental work done.
The other one is Shinta Mani, which helps train at-risk youth in Cambodia to work in the hospitality. You can also donate items to a village, like a pair of pigs or a well. Donate to one or both of these organizations and I'll buy you five drinks or help you move or something.
Okay, I'm climbing off my soapbox. Stev and I hopped on our motorbike and drove off, not saying much, just holding each other close.
We got back into vacation mode by lounging on the beach all day with Paulette and Minh.
Paulette and I met a Vietnamese mermaid who's name escapes me now. That's mermaids for you, always bewitching your mind and shit. She had been in the water since 8am, playing with an empty water bottle. By night, she changes into a bartender at the Victoria Hotel. Keep an eye out for her.
In the afternoon, we rode on our motorbikes to check out the outlying countryside. The sun was setting and there was lushness and greenery around us.
We shouted at the high schoolers, cheered at a wedding party, and smiled at babies.
And we really did feel this cool (photo courtesy of Paulette).
We topped off our evening with a delicious and satisfying meal at a pho joint. Nothing like hot n' spicy soup with cold beer after a day in the sun.
Later, Paulette and I wanted to get massages. Her hotel recommended a place that was between her place and mine.
"Huh, I don't remember seeing a beauty salon nearby..." That's because I wasn't looking for a SHACK made of corrugated tin. It looked pretty low-rent.
"Hi. Um, do you give massages?"
(Two ladies looking at each other and muttering something in Vietnamese)"....y-y-yeeesss...."
(Me, looking skeptical) "Really?"
"Yeah, yeah. Sure, sure"
What followed was one of the lamest backrubs of my life. You know how when you make your friend or lover-man (lover-lady) try to give you a massage when they're not in the mood? It was like that. For an hour. It's like they had a friend who went to massage school and showed them a few tricks. One of them busted out a shoulder-massager and kinda pounded the back of my neck. Later, a poisonous centipede showed up and so we decided to call it a night. Still, a half-assed rub-down's better than nothing, eh?
It was our last night in town and Stev and I went for a nightcap. We spent it at this nice, quite bar. Really nice, actually, except for the hand-sized cockroaches lounging on the sofas. We arrived in time to see a man shoo one out of his pant leg. I stayed perfectly balanced on my bar stool the whole time.
We sipped our whiskey and played ten rounds of Connect Four (it's big in the 'Nam bar scene). Then a puppy showed up.
Ladies, you're about to see one of the most adorable pictures ever. Yes, it's a full grown handsome man cuddling a puppy. Try not to tear your clothes off.
Aww! So sensitive! (Ok, yeah he is a tad red...)
I love this man.
The next day was a flurry of tchotchke-buying before we took a bus back to Hue. I also snagged a de-LI-cious BLT from the local boulangerie. Goddamn, must everything here be so fucking good! (I'm currently writing this on an empty stomach with no tantalizing prospects in sight). We hopped our bus and went back to Hue. We had a couple hours to kill before our flight to Saigon, so we did a quickie tour of the ancient Imperial City by dusk with this guy
and then had dinner at this place where the food was eh, but the bottle openers are awesome. It's the wooden thingy with red lettering.
A deaf dude runs the joint and he gestured that he wanted us to treasure our bottle openers and send us pictures of them from exotic locales. No problem. I'm taking this baby with me to Niijima beach parties.
And then back to Saigon. We got there pretty late. We hunted for fried chicken for Stev to eat on his long flight back home. We drank at a backpacker bar that was full of dumb gaijin who thought we ALL wanted to hear what was on their ipods. We went back to our hotel and enjoyed each other's physical presence for a few hours more.
Stevhan left at 4 am. My flight didn't leave till midnight the same day. I mean, I did stuff. I went to the market, shopped, had amazing food, shopped, more amazing food, got a massage (blissful this time). But honestly, I felt pretty dejected. My baby had left, I wasn't gonna see him for three months, and I was alone in this overcrowded city. I was happy to board the plane.
In typical Brenda fashion, disaster struck as soon as I got off the plane. I had been counting on taking money out of the ATM so I could buy my boat ticket. But, because the Japanese are RETARDED, they shut down the bank machines on holidays. WTF?!! Then, the boat to Niijima was cancelled. And then, my phone died and the power cord to it broke.
....
Aw, jeez. Clearly I made it back, with only a few tears shed. And you know what? I'm so going back to Vietnam. Within two years. There's so many things I didn't do: eat bun cha, crash a local wedding, try the snake wine...
3 comments:
You forgot to say who won most of the games of connect four.
: )
--Kristi
Dear Brenda.
I love your internet feelings diary.
Love,
Jake
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