I Peed My Shorts In The Home Stretch

and that's why I came in second in the Kozu Sports Day marathon. I pretty much peepee danced my way to the finish line. I didn't think the villagers would be wise, but when I saw the replay a few days later on KozuTV...well, I definitely looked dehydrated.
Ok, I'm exaggerating. The nozzle wasn't fully turned on. Only a few drops as a warning that the bladder muscles were giving out early in the heat of the race. Thanks, guys.
Ah, but there's so much more to Kozu Sports Day than my weak vaginal muscles (note to self: Kegel exercises). It was a day of strength, agility, and a chicken fight game that I still bear the scratches of. I'm leaving the island to go get a new hard drive and once that's all set up, then, oh then you will see what these kings and queens of Kozu have to offer.
See you in a week and a half.
Incontinent B

I Just Got My Ass Beat

by the aerobics instructor.

I went to check out the aerobics class at Kozu's community center with my friend, Ryoko-san. I thought it'd be a little like Blue Hair Special at the old folks home or something.
Nope. As soon as I walked in the door, the aerobics instructor greeted me with the biggest "HELLO! HOW ARE YOU?!" I'd ever received in my life. I had met her before at the Kozu clinic (I had something gross on my toe. Don't ask.) and she is one of the nurses there. Every time I see her, she's super nice, friendly, and energetic. Too bad I didn't know her name. Every time we get past the hello, how are yous, there'd be a nice awkward pause before we bow and scurryoff to do whatever.
We happily introduce each other, I promptly forget her name. Even now, I can't figure out if it's Konaki, Kunaku, Konaku. I've already asked her twice and Ryoko-san three times. God, I'm an ass.
For the sake of this blog, we'll call her Konaku. Konaku cranks up the music and goes to the front. The music: Western civilization's best bubblegum pop at 100 miles per hour, done by Japanese idols. Holy shit. I thought they were gonna wheel out a DanceDanceRevolution game and we'd all be puffing away, trying to get our steps right.
No, Konaku had other plans for us. I don't know if this woman sucks the manna from octopus or something, but I have never seen so much energy and cheer in such a tiny body. She was a combination drill sargeant, Japanese video game character, and schoolgirl all rolled into one.
She shouted out encouragement ('GAMBATTE!' hang in there), directions (MIGI! HIDARI! right, left), and plenty of unrecognizable words ('KIYAKU! GARUGA! MAZEL TOV!!). She kept the class of housewives and moms at a pace to match the high speed music. Celine Dion was on speed. Chirstina Aguilera on crack.
And our instructor never lost her energy, smile, schoolgirl pitch to her voice.
Then suddenly, the music was switched, the lights turned down low, and we lay down on mats. Konaku became a deep throated Yoga queen, lilting out various relaxation poses.
Five minutes later: "ARIGATO GOZYMAS!! OYASUMI NASAI!!!
So. Fucking. Awesome.
I can't wait to go back again.

Kozu, solitary



I had a three-day weekend that I spent mostly in the company of myself. It was awesome...

Last week, Kozu got quite the lashing from a typhoon that came in, but Saturday arrived clean and crisp. Like the island got its face scrubbed.
I had spent most of the week quietly freaking out about what the hell I was gonna do with myself for such a long weekend, especially since it seemed I would be spending it indoors for the most part. I didn't have the energy to spend hanging out with the teachers (all that wild gesticulating and trying to decipher a conversation). I was afraid I'd get caught up in my homesickness and depression, so I dreaded the seemingly empty weekend. When I saw the sun come out, I decided to go exploring on the Northern end of the island. I walked to Nagahama, which is about 50 kilometers from my house. Or maybe 5. Probably more like 3. I don't know. Stupid metric system. Stupid parents, teaching me Spanish, but completely ignoring the metric system.
Since September 1st, the island has been pretty free of tourist, although I did see a group of gaijin on the island. I couldn't help but stare, till I remembered I'm a round-eye too. Still, I bet none of those bitches has a Kozu Island Residence Card. Yeah, suckas gotta pay full price on boat and airfare! Zing!
Anyways...
The island has an abandoned feel to it, now that the tourist shops, yakitori stands, and beer gardens are boarded up. Heading out of the village, I find evidence of not only the tourist season closed, but a bit of a depression too. A resort hotel is gently rotting, lifegaurd stations rust, and picnic benches are lost in tall grasses. I guess once Japan's economic bubble burst, Kozu got the brunt of it.
Because of the lonely air, its made me feel a little like Robinson Crusoe. I have huges swathes of beaches at my disposal. If I really wanted to, I could run screaming and naked across the sand (Actually, I really want to, but I know I'll run into one of my students and they don't need further proof that I'm crazy). I've found pretty shells, dead birds, a shrine with Indiana Jones style cobwebs ( and the spiders to match), and all sorts of bizarre debris washed up ashore (a pencil sharpener, dish, unopen can of Pocari Sweat).
It was nice to sit by myself and hear the surf pounding on the ocean. It was nice not to run into anybody for hours at a time. And it was really nice to have the peace to hear my own thoughts. I'm not so scared of my solitude anymore. It is luxurious here on my half-abandoned island, feeling my brain and heart and soul expand.