One Night In Kyoto

but before I start: I think my aerobics instructor does crack. Or drinks the blood of children with ADD. She's so horrifyingly energetic and the music is so fast (you can adjust how fast the beat goes), I'm afraid I'll get an anuerysm or something. Ugh, I'm sore

anyways...

Kyoto! Used to be the capitol of Japan in 794, back when dinosaurs roamed the earth (I think a Tyranasaurus Rex was emperor at one point). There are many beautiful temples and buildings in the city, but I wouldn't know because I hardly saw any of it. All I saw of the city was an underground mall, an outdoor market, gaijin bars, and one temple.
Aw, I saw more than that and I'm getting ahead of myself. Why don't I introduce my fellow travellers and then I'll tell more.

The Playaz:

Nolan: Mild-mannered sensei by day, smooth operator by night, Nolan never lost his cool even when we acting like idiots and flashing our boobs.












Kristin: I bet if Kristin’s mom met the riffraff she was hanging out with, she wouldn’t let her play with us anymore.












Maisie: Sure, she looks as fresh-faced and cute as Laura Ingalls Wilder, but inside resides a diabolic mind. Having spent more time here than the rest of us, Maisie used her Japanese skillz to order drinks, bargain at flea markets, and score us the finest hashish this side of the International Date Line.











Sarah: While the rest of were bowing and kow-towing like little bitches, Sarah ran around slapping cops and scratching herself in public. Clearly the bad-ass of the group.











And of course, yours truly.













We took a two hour train ride to Kyoto. The train was a little crowded so we were separated. Maisie sat alone for maybe two minutes before she scored a Japanese boyfurendo.










Kristin unsettled the locals by announcing ‘Hai, Dozo’ and ‘Abunai’ every two minutes. Sarah looked dreamily out the window (we later found out she was fantasizing about Ludacris and NOT the fall spectacle the Japanese are so smug about).
We got to Kyoto’s giant train station just in time for lunch (It would be impossible to photograph such a monolith of a station. I’d need fifty cameras and fifty orphans all shooting at the exact moment to capture the monstrosity. And who’s got fifty orphans handy? I don’t)
We ate lunch at some mall. Here's Maisie and Sarah talking shit about some Japanese girl and Kristin's face sometimes just gets like that.









Maisie forever found a place in my heart when she spotted a locker for my big backpack (all of them were full), chased off some dirty Japanese and saved it for me.
Then we hopped a bus to Ten-jin san Market, basically this cool flea market by some temple. There was all sorts of cool shit.











And this game that looks left over from the fifties.












I wanted to buy one of these cool masks but I ain’t paying 8 bucks for a piece of plastic that isn’t gonna fit my face.










They also had silk kimonos for ten bucks, antiques, jewelry, and all kinds of crazy food. It was like being at the state fair! Except without Ted Nugent. Or elephant ears. And there’s no such thing as a state in Japan...Huh. I guess it wasn’t like the state fair at all.
By the time we were done with Ten-jin san it was already too dark to take in any culture, so it was off to get drunk-o! We headed to the cool part of town where all the other gaijin were.










It’s so funny because when you’re in Japan and you pass by another foreigner, you tend to ignore each other. Not even a look in the eyes. It’s as if all of us expats like to think we’re the only ones here (which is the case for me, so I always get a little territorial when I see one on Kozu). Anyways, there were so many here, it was like being back home. We fueled up with gyros and then started drinking.
As were weaving through the tiny streets of the Gion district (known for its traditional and expensive Japanese restaurants),












we caught a glimpse of a geisha! I was so starstruck, I trailed her for a bit, hoping she would turn around. I couldn't even get a picture of her back, she walked so fast. I wish I’d gotten a better look. In fact, everyone stopped and stared when she passed. It was like catching a glimpse of a fairy-tale past.
It was tough finding a good place because even though they had cool names like ‘Persian Club’ and ‘Demon’ and ‘Bar’, their drinks tended to be watered down and lame. We finally found a spot with decent drinks and darts. Sarah and Kristin flirted with the bartender ( perhaps an extended homestay?) while Nolan, Maisie, and I played darts. Well, they played and I hurled darts everywhere but the board.








We stopped at this place,








where Sarah announced to the server and everyone at the table that Nolan got her pregnant!










Which led to more drinking....









We went from bar to bar, playing ‘I Never’, showing boobs (actually that was just me and Sarah), and using the words ‘penis’, ‘vajin’ (compliments of ‘Borat’), and any other expletives we could think of because we could. I wish there would’ve been a Japanese person who wowuld've turned around and said, “Cocksucker! I haven’t heard that one in years!” and then proceeded to teach us how to say cocksucker, meat curtain, and Dirty Sanchez (Dirt-i Sanchez-u?) in Japanese. Such raunchiness could only culminate in a trip to THE KARAOKE BAR!! Huzzah! A room, unlimited drinks, adnd five crazy bitches. We all rocked so hard, I’m surprised we don’t have record deals.
































Since the trains stop running at ten pm and all the hostels were booked up, our inevitable end was an internet cafe. You get a tiny little cubicle (supposedly you can fit three people, but that is an out and out lie) and geek out (play videogames, read manga) or pass out. We chose the latter and three of us were stuffed in a cubicle while Kristin and Nolan enjoyed a spacious extra foot of space.
We woke up early to avoid more charges (all of our money had been drank away and was getting ready to leave the lower intestines) at 6:30 in the motherfuckin' morning.












We were wrecked, pukey, and looking for breakfast. Actually, Nolan looked like he was about to jet off to a modeling gig or something and the rest of us looked like sea hags. Sexy sea hags.

































We thought it’d be a shame if I left for Tokyo without catching a bit of culture, so we stopped by a temple, where I caught a glimpse of Kyoto’s autumnal beauty. Since it was so early, the temple grounds were quiet and serene with only cute dogs to greet us
































There were trees in all sorts of beautiful colors and there was a little creek winding through.
It was really gorgeous and I’m sorry I only saw a little bit of the temples.

Of course the solemnity was marred a little when Sarah discovered the glories of good morning crotch scratch.













And then we had to play Lowrider Hos when we found the sexy cars.











After such tomfoolery, it was time for me to head home. As I waved goodbye, I was sad to be the first one to go. I found my way to the station, boarded the shinkansen and promptly fell asleep.

I'll be back.

A Very Nagahama Thanksgiving

For those of you concerned that I spent my Thanksgiving shivering on the tatami and crying into my bean curd, worry no more. I had such a blast whilst visiting the Kansai region of Japan, I'm gonna have to make this blog a two-parter. Two featured players in the shenanigans also have blogs, so feel free to check out their blogs. Which is the true story? I'll leave it to the discerning reader to decide.

Nolan's blog:









erratics


Kristin's blog:










Nihon ni Muchu ni Natta



Part One- Nagahama 'n Nara

Nolan's a part of the OG crew in Chicago and one of maybe three cool people I met in the swarm of JETs hanging out those first few days in Tokyo, so it was only natural that we meet again.
I was very excited to take the Shinkansen to Nolan's house in Nagahama (right by Japan's biggest lake, Lake Biwa). Unfortunately, all the non-smoking seats were sold out, so my trip was marred by sonofabitch chain-smoking salarymen, with their skinny suits and tallboys. Nevertheless, it was cool to be whizzing through Japan at break-neck speed. I don't how fast we were going but it was fast. So fast that the toilets don't need flushers. Just open the lid and let the air flow suck it right out. Efficient.

I got to Nagahama rather late, but it was okay because Nolan was there with two bikes-one for him, one for me. He's dreamy like that. We cruised through the city, which even in the darkness, I could tell was very different from what I was used to. They have a McDonald's.

We get to his house which is a little chilly, but it was daijobu (no problem) because a kotatsu and a Kristin were there to greet us. What's a kotatsu, you ask? It's a low heated table which you stick your legs under and get toasty warm. Should be named best invention since the steam engine. What's a Kristin? Nolan's buddy from Chicago here in Japan on homestay and one of the best people to make moustaches with. I'll get to that in a second. We stayed up shooting the shit and then we dragged ourselves away to the kotatsu and into bed.
Next day was Thanksgiving! I looked out the window and there was no parade. But there was breakfast and after that we hopped on our bikes to Nolan's high school.
Ah, Nagahama! Land so plentiful with bears, they come down every first and third Friday of the month to fight with the locals. Tickets available through Ticketmaster.











It was a beautiful ride through the borders of the countryside.











Nagahama is bordered by mountains which were carpeted with trees in their autumnal glory. Now I get why the Japanese are so smug about the fall here.

















We passed by one temple surrounded by a bamboo grove that was a bit shabby from wear and tear, but no less solemn.










We passed rice paddies and small gardens and obachans (grandmothers) working in the fields.










We got to the agricultural school (one of Nolan's two schools) where some farmer's market was supposed to be happening, but because we were such lazy gaijin, we only caught the clean-up. The students immediately wanted to know what kind of tricks Nolan was pulling to be having such fine-ass hos at his side and he just winked and said, "Later."

(that is so not true. Nolan is quite the gentleman. I think they made him blush a little bit. heehee)

We also came upon this sign, which maybe had to do with why I couldn't understand what the students were saying when I asked them what they were selling. I thought they all had lisps.










Afterwards, we went to a nearby temple that had these giants steps. It's fucking beatiful.











It was also a pain in the ass getting to the top, but I guess the students have to run up and down them during PE. I'd hate to be the asthma kid. The view at the top is worth it, though.
























There was also a dude having a Zen moment with his sake. I would've joined him but he only had a one-cup.
Afterwards, we zipped around town. I saw the lake, which looks a tad depressing at this time,











and the Figurine Museum, which was basically the Figurine Store. I did get a shot of this tableau because I hope to recreate it in real life.











I did my X-mas shopping at the mall while Nolan and Kristin got 'serviced' for seven minutes by 'massage chairs' for a mere '100 yen'.
We also stopped by the Nagahama Brewery, which was disappointing because apparently their stout is made for kids. It wasn't very hearty at all.
It was all good though. We stopped by the store and assembled a very veggie feast and some brews for our Thanksgiving dinner.
Normally, I would pitch a fit at having to eat vegetarian swill, but I was in such good company and we had such a good meal,











We played 'Drunk Dad and Bitchy Kids Eating Thanksgiving Dinner Together'. I forgave them for being plant-eating heathens. It was very a cozy dinner with the kotatsu going and watching 'Arrested Development'.
For those who know me well, you know that this inevitably occurs:












The next day, Nolan went off to work and Kristin and I headed to Nara. We stopped at the 100 yen store for moustache-making supplies because we figured any trip would be immediately kick-ass if we sported suave moustaches. Turns out we were right.
























Nara is a beautiful city run by the deer mafia.







































Supposedly they're the sacred animals of the place, but they way they were struttin', shiiiit, you know they got their hooves in some durty shit. And they go nuts when they see you buying deer cookies. They let out this weird 'baa' that lets the other deer know that free food is on its way. Take for example, this attack on Kristin.

(I couldn't get the video on here, so just imagine Kristin shrieking in terror as deer try to headbutt her. Bitch shouldn't have been waving the deer cookies in their face...)

And they were everywhere! In the street, in the tourist shops, hanging out at the pachinko parlor...














Aside from the deer, Nara is home to a couple UNESCO sites, including the largest wooden structure, er something. I was to busy getting a deer away from my plastic bag to fully read the plaque. Todai-ji something er other.













And apparently, Japanese Buddhist warriors use to be twenty feet tall and hanging out by the gate, protecting shit. Just goes to show, you can't find any REAL men nowadays...














We rode the train back to Nagahama in style. I love that I can do this.












Tommorrow: Part Two! Rabblerousers in Kyoto.