Yuki Matsuri, yo!

In the second week of February, Sapporo has a big-ass snow festival. Since my friend Dan lives in nearby Hakodate, I thought I'd stop by his part of town as well. Now, I'm in the middle of the first season of Battlestar Galatica, so we're gonna make this short and sweet. (God bless you, Dan and your multitudinous electronic bounty!)

I hopped this magic Pokemon plane












to the northernmost island, Hokkaido. I got a chance to see snow-covered mountains and rice paddies (You know how dumb it is to try to take pictures through the airplane window, so I didn't even bother).
I landed in Hokadate and realized how fucking cold it is evrywhere else in Japan. Thank the Seven Gods of the Izu Islands I don't have to deal with snow tires and freezing rain. That's next winter (damn you, Chicago!)
Dan picked me up at the airport, we picked up his lady, Kate and then we went to this magical place of culinary delights.









It's this little plaza area with a bunch of little restaurants, each serving their own little specialty (sushi, ramen, yakitori..) with space for about ten or twelve people at a time. All in one convenient location! Now, this is a brilliant concept. I'm gonna build a little plaza like this in my backyard and everyone can come over for BBQ, Mexican, and then finish off at the frozen yogurt stand.
The next day, Dan made pancakes for the ladies and then we went sightseeing,


























got mauled by a bear,















and rode a tram to catch a little scenery.























Dan tried to get cute and pretended to toss me over the railing,














which only managed to enrage me. I chucked his body over,













laughed at his mangled corpse,















and then took Kate out to a lovely lobster dinner.

We hopped a train at Hakodate Station where, it should be noted, you CANNOT store a dead body in the locker storage.










It took three hours to get to Sapporo and we took in the beautiful scenery of Onuma Park. I broke my rule about taking pictures through windows, so now you can all enjoy these second-rate scenery shots:



























We got to Sapporo















and after we dropped off our stuff, we headed to Odori-koen (koen means park) to check out the ice sculptures.












































Meg Ryan was there and she was a bitch,










but then this fat dude showed up and ate her,












so we all kicked it with him at the snowfest.
Here's me and Kate being total dorks and pretending to be the Sapporo TV Tower.













Now, I don't know if the city of Sapporo doesn't believe in de-icing its streets, or it just takes great pleasure in watching tourists fall on their ass every five minutes, but it was slow going over snow covered streets. Luckily, they DO believe in having handy drink stations everywhere, where you could keep warm with hot sake or hot buttered rum or a chocolate covered frozen banana.














Because Hokkaido is known for its dairy there were also hot milk stations, but unless there's Bailey's or Kahlua involved, don't bother.
AND SPEAKING OF BAILEY'S, down a side street there were smaller ice sculptures










and ICE BARS!












Woo-hoo! Like an idiot child drawn to pieces of shiny tinfoil, I gazed adoringly at the igloos filled with bartenders pouring out yummy warm drinks. The Hennessy igloo was closed and so was the vodka one (WTF? Isn't that what you're supposed to drink whilst out in the land of ice and snow?) so that left the Bailey's bar. It was awesome: crappy techno and jubuilant gaijin crowded in a tiny space. The bartenders lovingly ladled out hot Bailey's like grannies at a soup kitchen.
Then we headed to a tiny alley famous for its ramen (Sapporo in general is famous for its ramen noodles).









Here in Japan, they have tons of shows where second-rate idols run around eating at restaurants. They pop their eyes wide and scream out "OI-SHIIII!!!" and now I know why. It's because they were in one of the alley restaurants! We met up with Dan's pals Kate, the lovely Brit and her Kiwi man Matt and slurped up some oishii noodles.








I never thought noodles I associated with college poverty would be soo good, but they are, especially when accompanied by beer and the best gyoza I have ever tasted. It's easier to face the cold when you've had a delicious meal. Next time you're in Sapporo, Ramen Yokocho (alley). Do it.
Other highlights of the trip included a trip to Gengis Khan (pronounced 'Jingis Khan' here in Japan), a restaurant where you grill your own meat at the table. It gets so smoky in there that you have to put your coat and other shit in a bag, so it doesn't smell like lard (afterwards, I kept licking my hand cuz it tasted like lamb).They have bibs and giant-ass beers









and drunk Japanese everywhere! Dan and Kate, being the whitest people in the room, were treated like celebrities and had Japanese peeps posing with them all night long.














I managed to snag a cow and make it sit on my lap.










However, there's a price to pay for such photo ops. Fucking cow drank all my beer while I wasn't looking! Eh well, it was all-you-can-eat anyways. Still....dick.

We missed out on the Sapporo Beer Museum (and all the chotchkis you could get your mitts on. Chocolates filled with beer jelly! OMG!) but consoled ourselves by going to a karaoke joint called Thriller.










Katie and Matt serenaded us with 80s tunes and Brit-pop.















Dan let everyone know that he would do anything for love but won't do that








and I told everyone wild horses couldn't drag me a-way. Later, me and the dudes went into Bar Noir for a whiskey nightcap and recounts of dates gone horribly wrong.

There was lots of other shit that went down like the totally dreamy boy band we encountered and the magical elf girls we found in the lobby,












but I'm getting hungry. I'm gonna go cook a pork chop with grilled shiitake mushrooms in ponzu sauce. Mmm, pork chop with grilled shiitake mushrooms in ponzu sauce...*drooooool*